Feeling Crap

I have been trying to journal lately. My psych gave me eight sub headings to journal on. I use an online journal (one that allows me to download my entries for backup – would hate for the site to go down and lose all my entries).

The areas to journal on are:

Thinking
Feeling
Body (how is my body feeling?)
Senses (centering exercise – see, touch, feel, hear etc.)
Hopes
Fears
Dreams
Intentions (what I am going to do today/tomorrow)

The idea of this is that you can see trends and commonly recurring themes.

Probably the most recurring them is that I feel crap pretty much all the time. More specifically, I feel a combination of dull sadness and hurt. It’s there when I wake up, it’s there all day, and it’s there when I go to bed.

I’m having trouble getting motivated to do anything. I can do the bare minimum, but have trouble doing certain things and have to “wait” for the motivation to come. For example, I’ve been working but haven’t invoiced any customers this year. They must think it’s odd, but I just can’t get around to it…. I need to chop wood for the fire this winter, but can’t get around to it.

The psych thinks I’m grieving. But what the hell is wrong with me? It’s not like I’ve lost a limb, or my eyesight, or a loved one. I’ve just lost meaning is all! I feel sad about feeling sad.
Anyway I’m hoping that this crap feeling will go away one day. I really hope it does go away. I hope I don’t have to stay like this a day longer that I need to. I fear it will never go away.

On the upside, i’ve applied for a two-day a week job bringing a depression awareness program into high schools in my area. It goes until the end of june. I probably won’t get the job, but thought I might apply anyway. It’s the first job I’ve actually applied for since quitting ministry.