Thirteen sex games that don’t involve sex (for girls only)

My 40-year-old mate Dave and father of four once said of wife jokingly “she’s got her kids now and the kitchen is closed”. I hope he was joking anyway. 1950’s woman would have always been prepared to keep her man happy in the bedroom, but todays modern woman is sexually liberated. This is good news for all the single ladies (put your hands up). But I suspect for those over 30 with small children it means their new-found freedom means choosing to abstain more often than getting their rocks off.

The modern woman who is having it all is feeling the squeeze. Careers, relationships, travel, exercise, diet, hobbies, health and kids means the after-hours bedroom romp has now morphed into a game of “how can I get out of it?” Add in mental illness and medication and the kitchen isn’t just closed, it’s most likely vacated the country!

If you’re new at this game, here are some tips on how to play (some I’ve experienced, others I know would definitely work on me).

1. Wait ’til he falls asleep. An oldie but still a goodie. I fall for this all the time. I go to bed hopeful, but can’t keep my eyes open and off I nod to the land of all things platonic.

2. Go to bed early and fall asleep. This involves sneaking off to bed unnoticed or hubby will think “great we’re heading off early – I’m in luck tonight!”

3. If he catches onto the sneaking off trick just do your regular routine before bed then grab a book and start reading in your comfy chair. Flick on the sports. When he’s engrossed then sneak off.

4. If you’ve gone for (2) and you’re not asleep – pretend. Lie very still. Do not itch that scratch. Try and breathe deeply. Every now and then hold your breath give a little throaty snort and start breathing again. He won’t dare check, in case you really are asleep.

5. When he pops the question explain you’ve had a terrible day. Go into detail. Lengthy detail. Start to repeat yourself until his eyes glaze over.  This will well and truly put to rest any amorous ideas.

6. Tell him your period is coming/here/going and you’re feeling bloated/tender/irritable. This should cover you for at least half the month. Use different combinations of those excuses so he doesn’t realize you’re making them up.

7. Following on from (6) hide the glow-in-the-dark lube and explain this is your “dry” time of the month and it just won’t be possible. Speculate that the kids have been playing in the room and probably mistook it for invisible paint.

8. Tell him the kids aren’t asleep yet (you can hear them and your hearing is better than his). How is that relevant? Because a) you can’t enjoy it if your listening out for them and b) they will come in any minute and ask for a drink.

9. Tell him you just had a shower and you don’t want to get up and wash again and you don’t want to feel sticky all night. Alternatively tell him you haven’t showered and don’t feel clean. If he assures you he really doesn’t mind tell him you’ll get UTI and that he might get it too. Explain UTI. In detail.

10. When he drops the hint tell him sex starts in the morning and he should have romanced you all day to get you in the mood. Explain that women are just wired that way and he should understand that by now.

11. Explain that you have candida or thrush. This will sound like you are now an avian enthusiast to him but mutter something about yeast infection. If he confuses this with some kind of baking activity (the term “bun in the oven” doesn’t help) and he still isn’t registering mention that he could catch it too and it will be like peeing razor blades. Since men think with their penises, this should start to make his temples tingle on the spot.

12. Naturally the closer you get to 50 and menopause you get to play the “my body is changing” card. Things are hot/dry/sensitive/uncomfortable/painful. Early menopause has been known to afflict a number of women so you could probably start this one, oh say 40?

13. The A-Bomb of avoidance that trumps them all is to say that you don’t feel loved and sex is about love not just some physical act of “wham bam thank you ma’am”. Have a lengthy discourse about how this sets us apart from animals, again, until the eyes glaze over. He has no comeback for this one and arguing would simply dash his chances anyway.

Obviously you’ll need to open the kitchen occasionally (or at least set up a camp oven) so he isn’t tempted to eat out. This is tricky. Too frequent and he gets used to it and this actually increases libido but on the other hand, too infrequent and it will drive him nuts and you’ll find him conversing with your boobs or butt depending on which way you’re facing at the time. Obviously this isn’t great either. But if you mix ‘n match the above I think you could probably get away with opening the kitchen oh maybe once a month? Good luck.