Ruminating like a cow. Why I may have four stomachs.

I’ve realised as part of my recovery and ongoing wellness, that I need to have time alone. Being an introvert, this is just the way I’m wired. I must say also, that I believe even extroverts need time alone, but are even less likely to get it or plan for it.

So I structured time alone – often at home. I’d get the kids off to school, and pretty much have my housechores done (the bare minimum usually) and then slum around. I get on the net, check emails, fart about on Facebook, blog a bit, read forums (freshwater and fly fishing of course), look up interesting things like how to repair the fins on my Hobie kayak and how to build my own custom fly rod.

I’d make cups of tea, drink a couple of beers, rarely check the TV unless I’d recorded a program, but even then, rarely watch it. And of course I’d warily watch the time….. knowing that at 3.45 pm hordes would descend on the house, crash through the door and pillage our family home leaving carnage and crumbs everywhere.

But most of all, I noticed that I experienced a low mood on these days. I think I have been ruminating – like a cow. Cows have four stomachs you know. And they chew over things, again, and again, and again. I do that. I ruminate over things, again and again. But not very helpful things. So they don’t really get digested. And they probably should be expelled. I saw a cartoon recently that said “don’t hold your farts in. They travel up your spine and into your brain and this is where shitty ideas come from”. I probably have that going on.

So it’s a dilemma. I know I need time alone to rejuvenate, but it can’t be unstructured, aimless, pointless time alone. I need to have something to do. And this is why it’s a dilemma. I’m a recovering Type A, performance driven, alpha male. I’ve realised how I ended up burned out and it’s because I’ve lived as a human doing for too long, instead of a human being. I don’t want to be like the masses who are so busy with their lives that they don’t have time to just ….. be! But on the other hand, if I’m not doing something, I ruminate – and research has shown that people who tend to brood, have higher rates of depression.

So after much thought (I do sometimes ruminate on useful things), I’ve decided that it’s not so much having something to do. It’s having something to focus on or aim towards. There’s a subtle difference. I might focus on repairing something, or tying up some flies, or reading a book, or writing stuff, but it’s a focus. It’s like having a game plan for the day – a road map if you like. But I try not to let achievement and performance dictate the focus – because I don’t want to end up where I’ve already been. That would make burnout pointless, and I can’t afford for it to be pointless.

It’s a fairly subtle change in approach to my cave time, but I think it’s going to work out a little better. I also know that this approach also helps depressed people in their recovery from the great darkness that it is. For really unwell people, having a list (below) can be quite a powerful aid to recovery, without which, they may never even venture out from under the blankets.

  • get out of bed
  • have a shower
  • have breakfast
  • go for a walk
  • read a book
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One Response

  1. You know what?

    I’ve got so much to say about what you just wrote here. So much that it would turn out to be a blog in itself. Maybe instead of doing that I’ll just write a blog and let you know about it once it’s up.

    For starters: I got burned out too, only it was from a marriage. And the one thing I needed above all else was peace and alone time. And for the longest time (for as long as I can remember actually) I was dead certain I was an introvert.

    Think I’ll leave it there for now.

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