Recovering

I’ve turned the corner.

I thought not to write on it for a few weeks to see if recovery would regress but it hasn’t.

One day (literally) I woke up and my feelings of grief were gone. They just went. I remember talking to a pastor’s wife down south who had suffered with depression for years. She said that one day it just lifted – just like that. I always had her story in the back of my mind and wondered if one day, that would happen to me. I wasn’t banking on it though… after all, her “one day” came after years of suffering terribly.

I put it down to a meeting I had with my psych. As we discussed what had happened to me church-wise and my dreams and vision for what church could be like, she suggested that my dream would have never come about had I stayed. We live in a region of 30,000 in a semi rural conservative anglo culture where people still grow their own potatoes in their yards and make tomato relish. It would never have been fair on the church if I had continued to pursue my creative, innovative, Gen X, postmodern community ideals of the New Testament church in the 21st century. Something had to give. She believes I still may see my dream, but it just won’t be here and now. After thinking about that for a couple of days, I realised she was right. And when that realization happened, grief departed.

It sounds like magic. It definitely feels like magic. Whatever it is, I’m so grateful. Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, would put it down to the effectiveness of CBT. I’m not a huge fan, but it is an effective treatment for depression.

Anyway, for last three weeks or so, I haven’t had any feelings of grief, sadness or hurt. I feel quite calm really. I still have major misgivings at the way I was excluded from the church I sowed my life into for fifteen years and gave so much blood, sweat and tears, but that’s a separate issue – certainly not a clinical one.

And I’ve started a new job, which I’ll tell you about soon. The only thing I’m wary of, is the possibility of life returning to the way it was pre-depression. That might sound strange, but I never wanted to get back to the way things were. I always wanted to be transformed by my experience, not just to get over it. More on that another day.

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One Response

  1. That’s really good news Jack! My recovery was similar but not quite as dramatic. I had a few Aha! moments on the journey.

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