One step forward, two back

I’ve been feeling really despondent lately. I’ve lost motivation, I feel a heavy heart. I really don’t want to do anything but hibernate. I didn’t want to go pick tomatoes this morning but went anyway. I don’t really want to force myself to do much, because I’ve found that forcing myself to do things costs me in terms of energy and authenticity… how do I know if what I’m forcing myself to do something is best for me?

I think turning 40 – something I haven’t been looking forward to – has made me think about how useless I feel again. I’m really struggling to deal with this usefulness issue. Maybe that’s just it… it needs to be dealt with. I can’t seem to decouple the issue of being and doing. I can’t seem to discover significance in who I am in Christ and the fact that I’m valuable to God regardless of what I do for Him. So, here I am, doing nothing with my life and struggling to feel like my life matters.

Interesting news out in the last few days from British scientists…

PEOPLE who spend a lot of time surfing the internet are more likely to show signs of depression, British scientists said today. But it is not clear whether the internet causes depression or whether depressed people are drawn to it.

Full article here

Hmmm maybe I should log off! No seriously, I’m pretty sure that depressed people are drawn to the internet, rather than the opposite. I recall the worse I was, the more I wanted to be distracted, to escape and to relate to people on my terms hence surfing the net, and using social networking sites was a place that meant I had no responsibility. My wife thought I was addicted to facebook. The irony is that now with her workload and recovery from depression, the kids did a little acronym for their mother and the letter “A” stood for “Always on Facebook”. The other thing she does is watch mandarin speaking soapies on YouTube. Once she did it for a whole weekend while I was away and the kids met me at the door distraught that mum had locked them out of her bedroom and watched clips all weekend.

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